Daddy's Gone

After being told that Carl was gone, life changed in an instant.  First and foremost, I had to tell people.  I informed Carl's brother who was already enroute to the hospital but now coming here.  I called my Dad.  I called my sister-in-law.  I called the Elementary School.  I was in disbelief, shock, and dismay. 

At 10am, Carl's family had arrived at my house.  Together, we headed to the hospital.  My family met us there.  A chaplain awaited our arrival.  Carl's Mom, brother, sister-in-law, and I headed to Carl's room.  The curtain was drawn across the room.  In the end, I chose not to witness what lie behind it.  The others did.  Heeding their advice, I held strong to the last images of Carl that were deeply embedded in my brain.  That was enough.

I returned to the waiting room.  Carl's belongings were brought to me.  His briefcase, a hospital bag, and his boots - the last items that he had touched, worn, and used.  It was surreal.  It was incomprehensible.  It was over.  My Love was gone, and life would never again be the same.

Everyone returned to the house.  Josiah arrived home at 11.  He was happy and blissfully unaware of the tragedy that had just taken place.  He knew not to be sad.  He knew not that he had just lost his Dada.  He smiled, laughed, and gave reason for us to carry on.

At 3:05, the big bus arrived home.  The boys immediately noticed that family cars were in the driveway.  They asked why.  They asked what was going on.  I asked them in and sat them down on the big beanbag.

It is heartbreaking to know that you are delivering the worst possible news to your children.  I remembered back to Saturday.  After talking to the ICU MD, I told the boys that Daddy was sicker than he had ever been.  I told them that Daddy was so sick, he might have to go to Heaven to be well.  The hypothetical had now become reality.  I reminded them of that earlier conversation.  I then broke the news that Daddy, in fact, had gone to Heaven.  In that moment, the world stood still.  Nobody existed but my children and I.  In a room full of people, I found silence.

The boys only reaction, in that moment, was of understanding.  The anticipated tears and meltdowns were null and void.  Soon after, they went on to play.  My heart broke as I knew the reactions would surface.  I didn't know when.  I didn't know to what extent.  Daddy was gone.  When was that information going to sink in???

Birthdays, Blindsides, and Goodbye Kisses

We couldn't believe how quickly September had come and gone.  We were in full-scale planning for all things Fall & Winter.  October is a jam packed Birthday month.  Josiah was about to turn 4.  My birthday is at the end of the month.  We had a birthday celebration planned.  Our annual trip to the pumpkin patch was approaching.  We decided, this year, to bypass the mall trick-or-treating and take the boys "real" trick-or-treating - we were going with Josiah's best friend & her family!  Things familiar and new - we couldn't wait.

The boys had their flu shots.  Carl had a few MD appointments.  By Columbus Day weekend, we all had colds.  New England living makes this a common occurrence - cold one day, hot the next.  This wasn't unusual, nor did it concern us.

On Sunday, October 11th, family gathered to celebrate the 4 October birthdays.  It was a beautiful day.  Carl spent a lot of time outside with the boys.  We enjoyed good food, exchanged gifts, had cake, and celebrated a day of making memories.  The boys were happy.  I was happy.  Carl was happy.

On Monday, Josiah turned 4.   Carl had an MD appt.  I took the boys to a dentist appointment.  After, we met up with Carl at the YMCA.  We had registered the big boys for their first-ever mud run!  We spent a beautiful afternoon together.  It was a gorgeous day.  The boys had a blast and each won a medal.  Carl got a call, from his doctor, in the afternoon.  Carl had pneumonia.

Carl had gone through bouts of pneumonia countless times in his life.  This was not new to him.  It was not concerning.  A prescription was called in and we headed home.  The boys had school on Tuesday.

Tuesday & Wednesday were normal school days.  They were routine, at home, for Carl & I.  Thursday morning, we put the kids on their buses, for school.  Carl waved goodbye as the buses drove away - just as he does every morning.

Carl didn't seem to be getting better.  If anything, he seemed worse.  After some pleading, and a call to the MD, Carl agreed to let me drive him to the e.r.  We were sure he simply needed a more powerful antibiotic.  We weren't concerned.  Josiah and I brought Carl to the e.r. and said we'd see him later.

Carl was admitted to the hospital, for pneumonia.  He was being pumped full of antibiotics.  Friday, the boys and I went about our normal routine.  We talked to Daddy on the phone, Friday night.

By Saturday morning, I was concerned about Josiah's cough.  So, I bypassed the pediatrician and headed straight to the Children's Hospital.  I missed Carl & wished he were with us.  I thought about the last 10 years of Carl's health issues - chronic ulcers, several near death experiences, and several major surgeries.  He came through all of it.  He was a fighter.  This was just pneumonia.  This was nothing, comparatively speaking.

At 11am, we were still in the e.r.  Josiah had been seen but we were waiting for scripts, etc.  Josiah had bronchitis and an ear infection.  I realized that I had missed a call from the local hospital.  The message - Carl was in critical condition.  I called & spoke with the ICU MD.  Carl had strep pneumonia which had seeped into his blood stream; he was in septic shock.  I looked at the 3 boys through the window of that little room.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

We were able to leave a short time later.  Carl's brother was cutting a trip short; he was headed home to be with Carl. 

Carl's condition continued to spiral.  Strep pneumonia.  Septic shock.  Kidney failure.  Catastrophic medical phenomena continued.  I made two trips to the hospital to see him.  I kissed him, held his hand, thanked him for being my husband, thanked him for being an awesome father to our children.  I begged him to fight & told him how much we loved him.  His brother spent hours at his bedside.

On Monday, October 19th, at 8:13am - Carl took his last breath.

How had we gotten here?  How could I be saying goodbye to my Love?  How could this be happening?  One week before, we cheered our boys on during their mud run.  Now I prepared for the bus to arrive home.  Now I had to tell the boys that Daddy was gone.

A week before, it was picture perfect.  It was perfect until it was no longer.....

Fall

When you grow up & continue to live in New England, September 1st means "Fall."  Summer is over.  Already, cooler air creeps in. 

On September 1st, Jesse started the 3rd grade.  James & Josiah had one more week before starting Kindergarten and preschool, respectively.  We were ready for another great year.  That week, we attended preschool orientation, and Kindergarten screening/orientation.  We enjoyed a trip to the playground, and had a last hoorah play date.  The boys had sleepovers and we spent Labor Day at a local water park - we had the time of our lives.  Then the younger boys started their new school year.  With all three back in school, we returned to our normal routine.

The middle of September brought on the school's fun run!  It was a riot!!!!  The boys loved the PTO-sponsored fundraiser.  Carl & I cheered them on, from the sidelines.

Josiah got glasses and hearing aides.  We were doing all we could to give him the very best advantage.  All was perfect!!!  The boys got haircuts & looked wonderful for school picture day, at the end of September.

Carl and I were planning for fun things ahead.  We started talking about Fall trips to the local theme park.  We looked forward to our annual trip the pumpkin patch.  We talked about birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and how much fun we'd have in Disney, early next year.

Josiah's IEP meeting was fantastic.  The parent-teacher orientation, at school, was awesome!  We liked all the teachers.  We liked philosophies, we were thrilled about everything!!!

It was a picture perfect start to the school year.  It was picture perfect, until it was no longer.....

The noun "Fall" represents a season.  When used as a verb, it can bring on a whole new meaning.  It can be scary.  It can change everything.....

Summer of a Lifetime

When school ended, we wasted no time in our memory making.  Josiah was slated to attend summer school 3 days per week.  I was scheduled to teach drama for 2 weeks.  The big boys were signed up for 2 weeks of summer camp at the YMCA.  All would come to pass and a whole lot more.

In the 48 hours following the end of school, Josiah had 5 therapy sessions (2 physical therapy, 2 speech therapy, and 1 occupational therapy).  We visited a playground, a playground/splash pad, and attended a baseball game.  Oh yes, we hit the ground running!!!!  It was summer, at last!

July rolled in quickly.  Josiah continued his therapies 2 days per week.  We had play dates and movie nights.  We celebrated the 4th of July by meeting Josiah's new best friend (the little girl with Down syndrome, who attends school with him) and her family.  We spent a glorious day at a local theme park.  In the evening, we went to a friend's house.  We enjoyed great food, friendship, and fireworks over a private pond.  The boys all played with friends.  The adults enjoyed the fun that friendship affords.

We went to a zoo.  The boys had Saturday swim lessons.  Josiah started his summer preschool program.  Mama started teaching her 2-week drama camp.  The big boys started their 2-week YMCA summer camp.  It was busy but everyone was happy, and at peace with life.

We threw in drop-in playgroups & farmer's markets.  The oldest resumed karate (though it was short-lived).  Carl started iron infusions and found more energy.  We attended a benefit dinner for the 5 year old's preschool teacher, who had since been diagnosed with Cancer.  Carl & I celebrated our 9-year anniversary.  We enjoyed a few date nights.  Josiah had an audiology appointment & his hearing came into question (again).  It was believed hearing aides may be beneficial so we started considering the option.

August was quickly upon us.  I was still teaching.  The big boys were still attending summer camp.  Josiah was attending summer preschool 3 mornings per week & therapy 2 afternoons per week.  Yet we continued pushing our goal - making memories with our boys.

We went to a water park with a great local group - all families have a child with Down syndrome.  We attended family night at the YMCA.  The boys attended summer Birthday parties & back to school parties.  They loved summer camp so much that they were signed up for an extra 2 weeks.  It was proving to be the summer of a lifetime!!!

We revisited the local theme park, playgrounds, splash pads, and filled in many days with love and laughter.  As the last week of August approached, our busy schedule started to slow.  My 2-week drama camp ended.  Josiah completed his summer program.  4 weeks of summer camp came to an end.

Josiah had a sedated CT scan to rule out possible physical causes of his hearing issues.  There were none.  The CT scan did note an unusual density to his cerebellum - something that will be further examined with an MRI.  Meanwhile, we actively pursued the hearing aide option.

The former preschool teacher lost her battle with Cancer.  We said goodbye to her, crammed in a field trip, celebrated my Dad's Birthday, and quickly welcomed September.  A new school year was about to begin.  Josiah was moved to a toddler bed (from his crib) and has slept like a big boy every night, since! 

September 1st: The first day of school!  Summer was over.  We were disappointed but looked forward to what a new school year would bring.....

Time

Time is a funny thing.  It keeps you going.  It provides joy and laughter, pain and tears.  Sometimes you have too much.  At other times, not enough.  I suppose the same is true with life.

Once upon a time, I wrote for the therapeutic value.  I wrote for the enjoyment.  I wrote because I had something to say.  I wrote when I was at a loss for words.  Then the writing slowed but not because any of the motivators had vanished.  Rather, it seems TIME to write had vanished.

As I'm realizing that nearly a year has passed since my last post, my mind is reeling with the knowledge of all that has transpired since.  As I try to compartmentalize the events of 2015, I shall endeavor to share my year's journey with you.

Josiah completed his first year of preschool, in June.  His 5 year old brother completed his last year of preschool in May.  The oldest brother completed the 2nd grade, at the end of June.  The second half of the year brought cold weather & snow.  It slowly welcomed Spring.  Recess resumed for children.  We felt less trapped. 

The slightly warmer weather made us long for Summer.  By April, we looked forward to summer vacation and the increased opportunity to "make memories" with the boys.  We began planning a trip to Disney (to commence in 2016).  We couldn't wait for less school, more fun.

It was during these months that we became friendly with another local family.  They have a daughter who also has Down syndrome.  She is 6 months younger than Josiah.  She began school in May.  She and Josiah were placed in the same classroom.  We were thrilled.  Josiah liked her; she liked him.  Everything was simply right.

Josiah bloomed during his first year.  He had made huge strides with fine & gross motor skills.  He was signing more & attempting to speak more.  The older boys had enjoyed a great year.  School was coming to an end.  We couldn't wait for summer.  Time moved slowly but summer was finally upon us.

"Making memories" is what we do best.  Now was the time for fun.