Daddy's Gone

After being told that Carl was gone, life changed in an instant.  First and foremost, I had to tell people.  I informed Carl's brother who was already enroute to the hospital but now coming here.  I called my Dad.  I called my sister-in-law.  I called the Elementary School.  I was in disbelief, shock, and dismay. 

At 10am, Carl's family had arrived at my house.  Together, we headed to the hospital.  My family met us there.  A chaplain awaited our arrival.  Carl's Mom, brother, sister-in-law, and I headed to Carl's room.  The curtain was drawn across the room.  In the end, I chose not to witness what lie behind it.  The others did.  Heeding their advice, I held strong to the last images of Carl that were deeply embedded in my brain.  That was enough.

I returned to the waiting room.  Carl's belongings were brought to me.  His briefcase, a hospital bag, and his boots - the last items that he had touched, worn, and used.  It was surreal.  It was incomprehensible.  It was over.  My Love was gone, and life would never again be the same.

Everyone returned to the house.  Josiah arrived home at 11.  He was happy and blissfully unaware of the tragedy that had just taken place.  He knew not to be sad.  He knew not that he had just lost his Dada.  He smiled, laughed, and gave reason for us to carry on.

At 3:05, the big bus arrived home.  The boys immediately noticed that family cars were in the driveway.  They asked why.  They asked what was going on.  I asked them in and sat them down on the big beanbag.

It is heartbreaking to know that you are delivering the worst possible news to your children.  I remembered back to Saturday.  After talking to the ICU MD, I told the boys that Daddy was sicker than he had ever been.  I told them that Daddy was so sick, he might have to go to Heaven to be well.  The hypothetical had now become reality.  I reminded them of that earlier conversation.  I then broke the news that Daddy, in fact, had gone to Heaven.  In that moment, the world stood still.  Nobody existed but my children and I.  In a room full of people, I found silence.

The boys only reaction, in that moment, was of understanding.  The anticipated tears and meltdowns were null and void.  Soon after, they went on to play.  My heart broke as I knew the reactions would surface.  I didn't know when.  I didn't know to what extent.  Daddy was gone.  When was that information going to sink in???

Birthdays, Blindsides, and Goodbye Kisses

We couldn't believe how quickly September had come and gone.  We were in full-scale planning for all things Fall & Winter.  October is a jam packed Birthday month.  Josiah was about to turn 4.  My birthday is at the end of the month.  We had a birthday celebration planned.  Our annual trip to the pumpkin patch was approaching.  We decided, this year, to bypass the mall trick-or-treating and take the boys "real" trick-or-treating - we were going with Josiah's best friend & her family!  Things familiar and new - we couldn't wait.

The boys had their flu shots.  Carl had a few MD appointments.  By Columbus Day weekend, we all had colds.  New England living makes this a common occurrence - cold one day, hot the next.  This wasn't unusual, nor did it concern us.

On Sunday, October 11th, family gathered to celebrate the 4 October birthdays.  It was a beautiful day.  Carl spent a lot of time outside with the boys.  We enjoyed good food, exchanged gifts, had cake, and celebrated a day of making memories.  The boys were happy.  I was happy.  Carl was happy.

On Monday, Josiah turned 4.   Carl had an MD appt.  I took the boys to a dentist appointment.  After, we met up with Carl at the YMCA.  We had registered the big boys for their first-ever mud run!  We spent a beautiful afternoon together.  It was a gorgeous day.  The boys had a blast and each won a medal.  Carl got a call, from his doctor, in the afternoon.  Carl had pneumonia.

Carl had gone through bouts of pneumonia countless times in his life.  This was not new to him.  It was not concerning.  A prescription was called in and we headed home.  The boys had school on Tuesday.

Tuesday & Wednesday were normal school days.  They were routine, at home, for Carl & I.  Thursday morning, we put the kids on their buses, for school.  Carl waved goodbye as the buses drove away - just as he does every morning.

Carl didn't seem to be getting better.  If anything, he seemed worse.  After some pleading, and a call to the MD, Carl agreed to let me drive him to the e.r.  We were sure he simply needed a more powerful antibiotic.  We weren't concerned.  Josiah and I brought Carl to the e.r. and said we'd see him later.

Carl was admitted to the hospital, for pneumonia.  He was being pumped full of antibiotics.  Friday, the boys and I went about our normal routine.  We talked to Daddy on the phone, Friday night.

By Saturday morning, I was concerned about Josiah's cough.  So, I bypassed the pediatrician and headed straight to the Children's Hospital.  I missed Carl & wished he were with us.  I thought about the last 10 years of Carl's health issues - chronic ulcers, several near death experiences, and several major surgeries.  He came through all of it.  He was a fighter.  This was just pneumonia.  This was nothing, comparatively speaking.

At 11am, we were still in the e.r.  Josiah had been seen but we were waiting for scripts, etc.  Josiah had bronchitis and an ear infection.  I realized that I had missed a call from the local hospital.  The message - Carl was in critical condition.  I called & spoke with the ICU MD.  Carl had strep pneumonia which had seeped into his blood stream; he was in septic shock.  I looked at the 3 boys through the window of that little room.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

We were able to leave a short time later.  Carl's brother was cutting a trip short; he was headed home to be with Carl. 

Carl's condition continued to spiral.  Strep pneumonia.  Septic shock.  Kidney failure.  Catastrophic medical phenomena continued.  I made two trips to the hospital to see him.  I kissed him, held his hand, thanked him for being my husband, thanked him for being an awesome father to our children.  I begged him to fight & told him how much we loved him.  His brother spent hours at his bedside.

On Monday, October 19th, at 8:13am - Carl took his last breath.

How had we gotten here?  How could I be saying goodbye to my Love?  How could this be happening?  One week before, we cheered our boys on during their mud run.  Now I prepared for the bus to arrive home.  Now I had to tell the boys that Daddy was gone.

A week before, it was picture perfect.  It was perfect until it was no longer.....