March Madness

For the first time ever, a month slipped away without me writing.  It's funny how often I think to myself, "I need to write in the blog; I haven't written in a while."  As fast as that thought enters my mine, it's gone.  Dinner needs to be cooked.  The kids need to be tucked in.  On and on the chores seem to stretch.  At the end of the day, my need for sleep supersedes the desire to write.  Each morning comes too early, greets me with the leftover chores of yesterday, and new necessities that lie in wait.  How I dream of having the time to write.  How I dream.... 

If this blog could only capture one tenth of what I think about....

I used to think that I was born in the wrong time.  "I was born for Vaudeville; I was born too late."  Decades passed with those thoughts in mind.  Of course, being a believer, I've always known that I was born exactly when He wanted.  However, what seems like a lifetime later, I see great reasoning.....Josiah.  Imagine if he had been born during Vaudeville time.  He might have ended up in an institution.  Perhaps, he would idled away his time hidden at home - a secret, kept hidden from the world.  His secret life would have been short.  The holes in his heart would have assured his brief solitude existence, on this earth. 

I think a lot about my brother, who died at 50.  I was eight months pregnant when I lost him.  Addiction stole him from me, from us.  It's ironic that he died one month before Josiah was born.  Scott always had a special place in his heart for the downtrodden, the gentle ones, the ones who may need a helping hand.  Scott knew that Josiah had Down Syndrome, but was never allowed to share in the miracle of this little boy.  I wish Scott could see him.  I wish Scott could be the Uncle he always dreamed of being (his addiction was always an obstacle).  Instead, he left us.  I like to think that Josiah needed a guardian angel so much that God gave Scott a special place in Heaven to look after Josiah.  In the first 4 months of life, how Josiah needed his guardian angel.  How I miss my brother....I want to start a foundation in his name.  I want to write a book about him.  Someday, both will happen.

The month of March celebrates "World Down Syndrome Awareness."  It occurs on the 21st of March.  3/21.  Three copies of chromosome #21.  That's the significance of the date.  This year, there was a campaign to wear crazy socks that day.  It was all in an effort to raise awareness.  Someone sees your crazy, mismatched socks & asks why.  You tell them all about DS.  Well, I didn't go anywhere that day (to speak of).  None the less, I was sporting great, crazy, colorful socks.  I took a picture of my feet & posted them to facebook.  I shall do that every year.  Won't you do it too?

I often think to myself, "I didn't know I wanted a child with Down Syndrome."  If you don't have a child with Down Syndrome, you may not understand that statement.  If I could take away Josiah's Down Syndrome, would I?  No, because he wouldn't be Josiah anymore.  Josiah is a beautiful boy who happens to have an extra chromosome.  He has blue eyes and blond hair (so blond that he has been called 'towhead').  He has a smile that radiates through the darkest of moments.  His laughter is contagious.  I wouldn't take away any of his traits.  I wouldn't change any thing about him.  He is pure delight.  He is miracle.  He is a true gift from God.  It's just that simple.

March's schedule continued uninterrupted.  Josiah has his weekly meeting with his EI (early intervention) child care specialist (K).  He meets weekly with his physical therapist (D).  He meets every other week with occupational therapy (C) and with speech therapy (P) in between.  He did, however, start group at EI....movers and cruisers.  I just love the name.  It's a bunch of kids crawling, moving, and toddling around a great space.  We're only a couple of weeks in, but it proves to be a great group.  It's run by a physical therapist at the EI center (unlike his individual sessions which are at home).

Josiah is now crawling like a maniac.  He can disappear from a room before you realize he's moved.  He is grasping toys very well.  He now enjoys throwing objects lol....it's too cute.  His purposeful release is getting better and he truly enjoys playing.  He eats nilla wafers like they are going out of style lol.  We are slowly introducing him to new things.  He will stand and hold onto me.  When D tries this each week, he screams bloody murder - he's a manipulative little boy (hahaha).  He's quickly approaching 18 months.  In May, he'll have his next assessment with EI.  I can't wait to see the results of the new assessment.

I am happy that April has ushered it's way through winter.  The snow has become a nuisance.  I am ready for warm weather, sunshine, playgrounds, and sitting outside.  Josiah starts another playgroup (non EI-related) this morning.  Unfortunately, that means this Mama needs to get a little boy ready for the day.  I'll update again soon.

Be well, my friends!

Addiction and Contradiction

My oldest brother, Scott, died in September of an accidental drug overdose.  Addiction had plagued him for years/decades.  I never understood why it had such a hold on him.  His personality seemed to predispose him to such things.  Alcohol was my brother's drug of choice.  It was the constant.  He dappled in cocaine, etc, but 'booze' provided the daily grounding he seemed so desperate for.

Being ten years older than me, I honestly don't remember Scott 'before booze.'  He was drinking by the time he was 15; I was 5.  As the years passed, I started seeing the negative impact it was having on his life.  He was an abusive 'drunk.'  He didn't work (to speak of).  He used, and abused, my parents.  He abused his wife.  He lost the few things he had managed to acquire in his alcohol-controlled life.  He burnt all bridges. 

My brother, with his sparkling eyes, ended up alone and homeless.  He was in and out of rehab on countless occasions but he always returned to his life on the streets.  That is where he died.  On the streets, he finally found peace.

I think back to our talks.  We were close.  I used to say we were "twins born ten years apart."  I could sense things about Scott, even when he lived hundreds of miles away.  I could sense trouble.  I knew when things were going to go wrong.  I tried everything I could to help him (as did most of his family and friends).  We talked, frankly, about addiction.  By the end, I was angry about his addiction.  I was angry that he continued to choose to use.  I knew this thing would take my oldest brother away from me.  Last summer (2010), I told my husband, and sister, "Scott will be dead in a year."  I can't explain why, but I knew.  I knew he would be dead in a year.  Less than 14 months later, we buried him.

I gave Scott a lot of strife, over the years, about his drinking.  All the while, I smoked cigarettes (and still do).  It somehow seemed different.  He was mean when he drank.  I don't get mean when I smoke.  I guess that's why it never seemed to be a contradiction for me.  As I think about it now, I was fighting to save his life.  It wasn't about him simply drinking; it wasn't about being mean when he drank.  It was about wanting him to stay alive.  Now it's my turn.  I won't be a hypocrite.

I started smoking when I was 14.  I've smoked almost twice as long.  I need to let go of my addiction to cigarettes.  I wanted Scott to be a part of our family (in the last few years, he was restricted due to his unpredictable/volatile behavior).  I, too, want to be a part of my own family.....for many years to come.  I don't want something as stupid as cigarettes to take me away from the people I love the most.  Therefore, today is my last day with this vice.  When I wake up tomorrow, it will be without the need to utilize something which could ultimately kill me.

My brother's addiction killed him.  I will do everything in my power to make sure I learn from the lesson of watching him.  I will not allow my parents to bury me over nonsense. 

Tomorrow, and each day after that, I will be smoke-free.

(I love you, Scott <3)